How I F*cked Around and Found Out

How breaking patterns and showing up for myself fully has helped me become the most confident and happiest version of myself

I hate to admit this but it’s been way too long since I’ve felt like I’ve been in a constant loop and cycle where every day has felt the same, where I felt like I wasn’t growing or moving forward in life, and most of all—where depression and anxiety would seep in and take over to the point that showing up for myself looked like the comfort of overeating or rotting on the couch binging on Netflix. I knew deep down I wanted and needed to change these habits that weren’t serving me, and guess what? I was that girl who had all the excuses that would sing to the tune of “I’m too busy,” “I’m too tired,” “Can we reschedule?,” and everyone’s favorite excuse, “I’ll just start on Monday.”

Since leaning into these toxic cycles I’ve had for myself, I’ve lost my confidence and I’ve been incredibly self-conscious and self-critical (!) to the point where I hated seeing myself in the mirror, I’ve felt so uncomfortable in the clothes I was wearing because some pieces would no longer fit, look good, or just be too tight, and in reality—I wasn’t happy and I didn’t love myself anymore.

And one day, I just woke up and felt this shift. I was tired of making these excuses because it wasn’t getting me anywhere and I knew I needed change. Not just a change in seasons or buying new clothes, I knew I needed a transformation for myself.

I’m a big believer in the magic the universe shares with us through signs and synchronicities, and the last few months were no exception. It must’ve been the Summer Solstice, Cancer season, the moon cycles, or SOMETHING because it felt like there was a shift in my energy telling me “It’s time.” So I decided to fuck around and find out what it would be like to be on this other side of life that I’ve been missing out on.

There were signs—angel numbers, my algorithm sharing people’s journeys on how they have shifted their mindset and started to live their dream life, wellness journeys of beautiful transformations, this podcast with Dr. Gabrielle Lyon (such a great listen) where she mentions that if you do not feel worthy of health and wellness, you will never achieve it. And lastly, I attended a talk at Creative Mornings where a friend and amazing human,

Max Pete

, spoke specifically about breaking patterns.

At the beginning of Max’s talk, he had us all participate in an exercise and asked us to take a few minutes to write down a negative pattern or limiting belief we were currently facing in our lives. We had to be specific and honest about how this pattern has affected us. And we had to reflect on where this pattern originated from.

I remember thinking at the time my biggest limiting belief was that I was not worthy enough of the things I desired and of the person I deeply desired to be. First, I didn’t think I would get incredibly emotional so early in the morning, but to identify these patterns that fed into this larger narrative I was telling myself was also very healing. I believe these patterns originated from a place where my family viewed me as well as societal pressures and growing up in spaces where I felt like I didn’t belong.

What was beautiful about this exercise was at the end of Max’s talk, he invited us all to reflect on how we answered the prompt in the beginning. He asked—"how can you reframe the patterns in your life in a more positive light? What actionable steps can you take to challenge and overcome them?”

I remember thinking to myself, I am ready for this. I can change. I can let go of these habits and this negative thought pattern that has had a chokehold on me. I can evolve and love myself again. I immediately deep dove into thinking of the different practices and rituals I wanted to add to my life. Like walking to the bay more consistently, waking up earlier so I can enjoy my day before work, and being mindful and intentional about nourishing myself and my body. I walked out of that talk feeling so inspired by Max’s CM talk that right after, I went to the gym, showed up for myself, and pushed myself to get out of my comfort zone.

“At any given moment you have the power to say: this is not how the story is going to end.”
- Christine Mason Miller

Sometimes we have no one else to blame but ourselves. Whether it is the fear of failure, imposter syndrome, or excuses like the ones I told myself day after day. The beauty of being aware of these negative thought patterns in our lives is knowing we also hold the power to change and bring ourselves back to life, to love ourselves again, and to create the life we want. I love this quote from Christine Mason Miller because she expresses just that—we have the power to shift our narrative, that we don’t have to stay this in this story, this situation, this cycle that is no longer serving us.

I’m reporting to you 7 weeks into my very imperfect journey. Of challenging myself to get up early, incorporating movement in my day-to-day, and shifting my lifestyle. I emphasize imperfect because most weeks are great, and some days are more challenging than others. I believe the essence of our journeys is embracing imperfection and simply taking action—trying, learning, and trying again. It’s about showing up at the gym exhausted one day, and the next day feeling so empowered that you’re motivated to keep going.

I am incredibly proud of how far I've come, showing up for myself day after day, even when it's imperfect. What excites me most is that this doesn’t feel like a fleeting phase; it truly feels like a new standard I’ve set for my life, one that I’ve consistently upheld week after week. After these 7 weeks, I can confidently say I look forward to each day—to showing up for myself, watching my growth, and feeling stronger, healthier, and more intentional. I've never loved myself more than I do on this journey, and I’m so glad I decided to fuck around and find out because taking this chance to change my lifestyle has given me this newfound confidence and I feel worthy AF to be the happiest and healthiest version of me!

Post-gym selfie!

Trusting myself on this journey hasn’t always been easy, so I often take the time to reflect and set intentions to stay connected to my purpose. Here are some of the questions I regularly ask myself that help keep me motivated.

• What can I do today that my future self would be proud of?

• What small actions can I take to align with the person I aspire to become?

• How have I grown or evolved in the past week, and how can I build on that progress?

• What am I grateful for today, and how can I express that gratitude in my actions?

• In what ways can I be kinder to myself?